The Continuous Atonement

A month ago, I had a life - changing appointment with my bishop. I have recently been struggling with different things and felt that visiting with this sweet man would help get me back up on my feet. Meeting with this humble servant of God sparked an interest and a desire to further my knowledge of the Atonement. He challenged me to read my scriptures for thirty days for thirty minutes - I tried not to let my jaw drop too far as I heard the words escape his mouth, but I agreed. Before I left his office, he asked me why reading the scriptures can help aid us through our lives. I simply told him, "because they can give us strength". I answered this only because that's what I've heard before. He smiled, nodded and said, 'That's right". He sent me home with a list of scriptures to read about our Savior and instructed me to report back to him after the thirty days.

Day one was a piece of cake. I opened my scriptures and started with the first scripture he had given me to read. I read for a half an hour, said my prayers, and went to sleep. Then I woke up and everything started all over again. I showered, did my hair, hopped in my car and drove to work. Nothing seemed different or better. I had even prayed that morning that I would be able to be happy and feel the spirit. Instead, I felt discouraged. However, I continued to do as my bishop instructed. 

A few days later, I hit a 'lull' in my work at my office and decided to go read through quotes on Pinterest. I don't remember specifically what quotes I was in search for, but I noticed I kept reading passages from a book by Brad Wilcox. Brad Wilcox... I thought. Why does that name sound familiar? So I googled. Ah! The Continuous Atonement. I had heard of this book numerous times from many people. I furthered my search and found many positive comments from people that had read it. After work, I went to Deseret Book and purchased The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox - a book that has truly changed me. 

I cracked open the cover and began to read. "... it is easy to become discouraged and feel like giving up. We fast, pray, seek blessings, and still wonder if the needed changes will ever occur. When they finally do, we wonder if the positive changes will last. At low points we want to quit - or worse, we just stop caring altogether. Those are the moments when we need to remember there is always hope." Hope. The word rang through my ears. I continued reading. "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations" (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf). And from that paragraph on, I watched my view of myself and the Atonement change.

Throughout reading this book, I was touched, I was excited, I was happy. I found a joy that I had never felt before. I found myself eating through this book during every free moment I had. I learned new things and shared what I was learning. I found myself developing a love and a desire to know more and more. 

After dinner on Sunday night, my parents and I had a discussion about something I had read in this book that I hadn't quite understood in a chapter titled 'One Lone Branch'. For some reason, this had never clicked in my brain: our Heavenly Father desires for us to become like Him and the only way for us to do that is to come to earth and have a body. But why? My dad shared this quote with me, said by Lorenzo Snow: "As man is, God once was; as God is, man may become". As man is, God once was; as God is, man may become..... "You mean, Heavenly Father had a body?" My dad smiled. "Exactly". 

I was fascinated. The next day at work, I looked up this couplet by Lorenzo Snow and wrote it in the margins of my book. Everything was starting to make sense to me! My dad sent me a link on the doctrine behind the quote and I began to read as much as I could. Reading this doctrine sparked a love for church history and I found myself reading all that I could about our church around the time of the Restoration. I read all about Lorenzo Snow, Brigham Young, John Tanner, Emma and Joseph Smith. I read about Zion's camp and the history behind the Nauvoo temple. I just couldn't get enough.

The next Sunday, we watched the John Tanner film in Sunday school. I had seen this short movie numerous times - but this time something touched my heart that hadn't before. "As soon as the Word of Wisdom was made known to him, he quit the use of tobacco, tea, coffee and liquor and never touched them again throughout the remainder of his life." I began to cry. What faith this good man had. What strength he had. I was amazed at all he gave up for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I began to reflect on my life. I knew that I could do so much more - this thought became discouraging to me, yet it also pushed me forward. I was inspired by John Tanner and many faithful members of this church that have passed on. I was inspired to press onward and fight for the gospel. 

I realize that the world is much different from what it was while Joseph Smith was the Prophet. The trials and tribulations those faithful members struggled with are not so often struggles that plague the world today. Rather, we are constantly being bombarded with other temptations and difficulties. We live in a world where self image is constantly nagging at us. We live in a world where it is acceptable to dress immodestly and act irrationally. We live in a world where swearing and inappropriate humor is the norm. We live in a world of broken families. We live in a world full of addictions; drugs, alcohol, pornography. In short, we live in a scary world. 

I am often discouraged when I think about my life and the world I live in. It saddens me to see the things that so easily infect our lives and cause us to sway so violently. It seems to me, that the easier option would be to just give up. There have been many moments where I've sat in my bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering why I try so hard to continue pressing forward when I keep getting pulled backwards. It seems that I can only get up so high on my ladder of progression before I go even further down than where I started. I have wondered so many times, is it all really worth it?

After reading about the lives of these amazing members, I had a motivation and drive to try harder than I ever have before. A little voice inside my head cried out "It is worth it!". Any time I had a negative thought, an ounce of doubt, or a glimmer of negativity... I would remember the faith and strength of John Tanner. Of Joseph and Emma Smith. Of Brigham Young. Of so many people before me. I remember the persecutions, the mockery, the beatings that they went through. I remember the tears that escaped their eyes. I remember the prayers they fervently prayed. I remember all they went through so that I could have the gospel ever present in my life today - and how eternally grateful I am that these stalwart men and women so graciously gave up so much for you and I.

Through reading my scriptures every single day, reading The Continuous Atonement and many accounts of the lives of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, I found the courage and the strength to press on. I found a desire I never knew I had before. I found joy. I found an excitement I never knew I had before. I am indeed, very humbled and very grateful.

Not too long after experiencing these amazing moments, I found myself stumbling downward. A few days before I would meet with my bishop again, I again became discouraged. I sat on my bed, shaking my head, frustrated. I began to reflect on the past thirty days. Half of the month was filled with so many good things - I found myself on a spiritual high. The other half of the month, I allowed myself to slip up and go back to old habits. I was mad for allowing myself to so easily give up again. I continuously would ask: 'Why?' I didn't understand how I could have so many good things happen and then to just go back to my old ways after such a short time. 

The day of my scheduled appointment with my bishop quickly came and throughout the day I had the thought to cancel - I could go back in another thirty days and hopefully have much better results for him. However, I knew that going to visit him would give me the push to try harder again. So, I went.

I walked into his office and shared with him all of the things I had experienced over the month. And then I told him of my recent feelings of discouragement, doubt, fear and lack of faith. I felt so bad for not being able to report back to him perfectly. I had so desperately wished that I could have changed and never swayed again.

It was then that he smiled at me and shared some of the sweetest things with me that I will forever remember. He asked me: "Even though Joseph Smith and John Tanner were amazing men, did they still make mistakes?" I nodded my head. "Even after Joseph Smith saw the Angel Moroni, did he still make mistakes?" I nodded again. I realized, that even after these men had seen some of the most incredible things, that they still made mistakes. I assumed that after learning all that I had this month, that I would never falter again - but I was wrong. 

Even after having miraculous moments we will stumble and fall. That is why we have the Atonement. The Lord has commanded us that we forgive our brethren 'seventy times seven'. He will fulfill that promise with us, as well. No matter how many times we slip up, the Lord will forgive us. The first chapter in The Continuous Atonement is titled 'However Long it Takes'. "God, like the bishop, cannot lower the standard that we ultimately become perfect, but He can give us many opportunities to start again... we are all given the time we need to correct our mistakes. Perfect is our long - term goal, but for now our goal is progress in that direction - continuous progress that is possible only through the continuous Atonement." "Even when we may not have completely forsaken a sin, each time we repent we are one step closer to that goal - perhaps much closer than we think. Paul wrote, 'Now is our salvation nearer than when we believed'. When we're tempted to give up, we must remember God is long - suffering, change is a process, and repentance is a pattern in our lives." In the margins, I wrote: 'Even once we have repented, we will always continue to use the Atonement.' "God and Jesus, who are not bound by clocks or calendars, can truly be long - suffering in a way we don't comprehend. Jesus says His 'hand is stretched out still' and 'Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid'. He who fed thousands with only a few loaves and fishes will certainly not run out of desire or ability to help us. He who rushed to the side of Lazrus will not slow down in His efforts to reach us. He who came to sleeping Apostles multiple times will not rest until we have also been revived." 

I found comfort in hearing the words of my bishop and in reading the words from Brad Wilcox, knowing that no matter how many times I stumble backward, that the Lord will always help me come back. He again challenged me to read thirty minutes for thirty days, and I accepted once again. My bishop looked at me in the eyes and said 'He has not given up on you'. Obviously, I cried. 

I know that the Lord has not given up on us - any of us. I know that no matter how many times we stumble and fall, no matter how far we think we've gone, how unforgivable our past is, that He will come to our side and help build us up. Through Him, we can be molded and shaped into something marvelous and wonderful. I know that we are so dearly loved. Our Heavenly Father wants us to become like Him. The only way that we can become like Him is by stumbling and falling down and then getting back up. 

In the last chapter of The Continuous Atonement, Wilcox shares the analogy of a marble egg with an elder missionary:

"... I went to a nearby shelf and retrieved a marble egg that had been set there for decoration. I said, 'Look at the marble. Isn't it beautiful?' 

The elder nodded in agreement.

'What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them... as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty... One day, when you stand before Christ, you too will be beautiful - just like the marble - not because you have no dark, jagged memories in your mind, but literally because you do, and because through repentance and confession you are willing to let Christ and the Holy Ghost sanctify and polish them.'"

And with that, I closed the book. I looked down at my copy, worn out from being carted everywhere and written in. I opened the cover and wrote down my testimony of the Atonement so that I would never forget how I felt in that moment. 

This book has literally changed my view of the Atonement. I am filled with joy and an enormous supply of gratitude towards my Savior and His infinite and continuous Atonement. I know that without this beautiful gift, we would not be able to progress and become like our loving Heavenly Father. I know the Atonement is for any and everyone... not just those that are weighed down with the heavy burden of sin. We can and should use this gift every single day.

I have learned so much from reading these pages. My eyes have been opened and my heart has been softened. I know that our Savior, Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father love us dearly. I know that they will never leave our sides. We need them through literally every moment in our lives. Their arms are outstretched, ready to help us through life - we just need to reach up and accept the help they so graciously and effortlessly offer to us.

I am so thankful that we have the knowledge of this gospel and that Joseph Smith restored it to the earth. I am incredibly thankful for all of the sacrifices and all of the persecution that faithful members of the church have been through in order to carry out the work of the Lord and His church.

I am thankful for the Atonement and for all of the MANY "second chances" that the Lord so willingly gives to me. I know that life is hard, annoying, and frustrating. But, I also know that as we experience the Atonement and come to know Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father more personally, that we will find joy through the pain and difficulties, we will find good in the bad and beauty in the ugly. 

As I have read this book, I have been able to feel His love for me - something I know I desperately needed. The Spirit testified to me that I have a loving Savior who will never leave me, so many times. I was able to laugh and cry as this book touched my heart numerous times. I know that we will all undoubtedly make many mistakes while we live in this imperfect world. We must remember that it is only by learning that we can truly become like our Heavenly Father. I know the Lord loves us despite our many imperfections. Like in chapter ten, it is truly our imperfections that make us beautiful in the eyes of our God. 

Truly, the Atonement is our one and only way back home.

I will forever be incredibly thankful for the things this book has taught me, for the things I've learned and the insights I've gained from speaking with my bishop, and for the Spirit that has touched me. I know this Church is true with my entire being. I love the scriptures and the strength they give me to push through the many challenges that come my way. I know that through Christ, we can be saved. Even though the way back is rough and difficult, I know that pushing through and trying our hardest will ultimately be worth it.