my thoughts on the book: more than the tattooed mormon

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I just finished Al Fox Carraway's book More Than The Tattooed Mormon. And wow. Just wow. I'm kicking myself for waiting so long to actually read it - it's been sitting in my back pack for the past six months just waiting to be cracked open.

I don't even know where to begin with my thoughts on this book... so I'll just word vomit, right now:

I started the book last Sunday and finished it within the week. My family went to San Francisco and I knew the hours inside the car would be long and sometimes boring, so I searched for a good book to read. Remembering that this neglected book was sitting amongst the textbooks, papers, and pencils in the black hole that is my back pack, I decided that this would be the book to subdue my boredom if needed. It didn't take long. I reached into my bag and began to read.

I love Al Carraway. I've been following her for the past few years and gobble up every single post that she writes. I was excited to find out that I didn't know everything she had written within the pages of her book; it kept me coming back for more and more.

The thing I love most (if I absolutely had to pick something) about Al is how happy she is. You can just tell by her writing. And it's not that I didn't know why she's always happy, because I have what she has, too: the same Gospel. The same God. The same promises. Etc. But I learned something that I'll (hopefully) never forget after reading this book: "...they (blessings) do come, and they will be better than what we had in mind. That is what happens when we put God first..." (pg 118)

That's it! Put God first! That is the secret to the happy life. No, it doesn't mean that life will suddenly become easier; all of the answers to your questions won't magically be answered, all of your trials and burdens won't be lifted from you (though that would be nice). But! You will have the strength to push forward through all the rough times that will come your way. If you put the Lord very first. Just like Al said so many times throughout this book, He is our only option.

"Satan will not give up, and it's through the smaller things that he slowly gets us. We have to continuously be conscious of what we're doing and striving toward. The gospel is like running up the downward escalator: the moment you pause, you start sliding back. Satan waits for the moment you slow down to try and get you." (pg 91)

I've always been a visual learner and for some reason this visual of an escalator just clicked! Of course we're going to move backwards if we're not continuously pressing forward! Of course Satan is going to get to us if we slow down! We must always keep moving forward, keeping Christ the center of our lives, by putting Him first-at the very front of everything. 

I love how real and genuine Al Fox Carraway is. She doesn't sugar coat it; life is hard. Making decisions is hard. Patience is hard. "There will always be something to overcome, something hard to handle, or something new to figure out. How unproductive it is to long for the trial to be over, to crave a fast-forward button, to hang onto that make-believe mortal vision we create in our minds. Stop living in the future, and enjoy today. Search, learn, and find joy in your trials, because surely there will be many, consistent throughout our whole existence here." (pg 106) Repeatedly, Al talks about the blessings that will come to us if we continue forward in faith. We're promised blessings we can't even begin to imagine. How cool is that?!

I could keep talking about this book, but I should probably stop and just let you read the book for yourself. Seriously, I definitely recommend it. Al helps her readers (and followers) see the happiness that can be and is attained through living the Gospel. If you find yourself in need of a good wake up call, this book is your kick in the butt. If you've already read it, read it again. Al's positivity is infectious and you'll find yourself smiling through all that comes your way.

"Embrace yourself. Love what you can do and accept what you can't. Love your differences, and most important, be proud of yourself! Love who you are and where you are. Don't spend your time looking ahead, pleading for things to be over or different. Stop looking backward. Stop yearning and waiting for the future. Today, where you are right now, is a joy. Today, right now, is the best place to be. Happiness, opportunities, and blessings do await us in this day." (pg 138)

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Related posts:

The Continuous Atonement

to the recent graduate,

Congratulations. You've made it through what's seemed to be the hardest part of your life thus far. I commend you. The countless hours of walking through those high school hallways are now over and you never have to look back. It's kind of a good feeling, right?! But in the words of Trace Adkins, "you're gonna miss this".

But I'm not here to reminisce back on my own high school days. Rather, I'm here to give you some of the advice I've learned over my first few years of being an "adult" in the "real world". And to be honest: it's really rough. Really, really rough. There have been a plethora of days where the thought of going all the way back to diapers, smooshed carrots, and nap time sounded more than spectacular. Days where the money was tight, but the jeans were tighter. Days where smiling seemed more like a chore. And days that dragged on well past what they were allotted.

It's going to be different. Adult life is a whole new game. I remember moving out and feeling completely and totally alone for the first time in my life. And quite frankly, it was terrifying. No longer was the fridge and pantry stalked - I actually had to buy my own food?! I found it totally bizarre not to have a mother constantly wondering where I was going and who I was with (I'll admit I don't miss this. But I sure do love my mother!). No more was my schedule handed to me on a nice silver platter, already thought out and organized. Gone were the days of yummy home - cooked meals and already made sack lunches. I was now in charge of scheduling dentist appointments and making sure I showed up everywhere on time. I had to learn how to feed myself (I now consider myself to be a professional when it comes to making scrambled eggs). I had to remember to say my prayers and make my bed and put my shoes away. But despite these frightening thoughts, be excited. You've been waiting, wanting, and working over the past eighteen years for this. The decisions you make over the next few years will determine the outcome of the rest of your life. So, make it a good one! Be excited for what the future holds and face it head on.

Find something you love, and do it. This one is extremely important. It can become really easy to drown in the constant flow of work and homework. My day-to-day life is so incredibly busy that I actually have to pencil in time to do things that I love in order to take a break - and if I don't, I go crazy. But make sure that you work hard. Work hard at work. Work hard at school. Work hard in your relationships with others. Work hard in anything that you do, even if you don't want to do it. I can promise that if you will do this, you will be proud of yourself. And when you seem to fail at something, which you will, never give up. "Don't you give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead... It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good thigns to come." -Jeffrey R. Holland. You'll soon realize that life won't happen the way you think it will. Or that it will be harder than you ever could have imagined. Your grades will start to suffer. You'll break up with your boyfriend. You'll get in a fight with your roommate. You'll run out of money and time and energy. And you'll want to give up. For moments such as these I urge you to follow the wise counsel given in the scriptures: "Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ" -2 Nephi 31:20, and always remember that the bad days will come to an end. "On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good." -Unknown

It's all up to you. The cool (and equally just as scary) part about being an adult is that everything is up to you now! You finally get to decide what to do and who to be. You want to be a Doctor? Go for it. Want to solve world hunger? Awesome! You want to prove everyone wrong? By golly, do it!! "Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality..." -Les Brown. I believe that we're capable of more greatness than we think we are. With the aid of our loving Heavenly Father, we can do and become literally anything. The Lord has faith in each and every single one of us. With Him, we can become who He needs us to be, as well as who we truly want to be.

Trust in the Lord. This is probably my greatest piece of advice. I still struggle with it, but as I put my faith in the Lord and His timing, it gets easier and easier to press on because I have a surety that it's all going to turn out okay. "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." -John Lennon. Always believe in yourself. It can be really easy to feel inadequate. Especially if you compare yourself to the success and progress of those around you. With that being said, Be happy for those around you. We're all living in this crazy, messed up world; whenever someone accomplishes a goal or is living their dream, congratulate them. Be excited for them. It was probably really hard for them and probably took a really long time to get there. But just because good things aren't happening to you right now, doesn't mean they won't ever happen to you. "Faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing." -Neal A. Maxwell. Great things are in store for those who keep trying and pushing on through the hard stuff. You will fail, and it's okay. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I've failed because there have been many. My stubbornness has resulted in a lot of bad decisions which have caused more trouble for me than I even care to think about. However, I've learned from those failures. And so will you. "Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more intelligently." -Henry Ford. I urge you to find the lesson behind every failure. Learn from your mistakes so that they never happen again. If you fall, pick yourself up, dust off your knees, and keep trucking along - we weren't meant to get through this life without a mark or a scratch.

And always, always remember that you are loved. To whoever you may be, whatever you may be doing, and wherever you may be going, remember that you have a Heavenly Father and Brother, Jesus Christ, who love you dearly. Their love extends far beyond yours and mine understanding - and what a marvelous thought that is. I can't promise an easy life. But I can promise that if you work hard, smile through the bad days, and keep pressing forward, it will all be worth it. So, keep your chins up. Keep moving along. And always keep what your mother told you in your heart: remember who you are and what you stand for. And be proud of it. Stand up for what you know is right and stand up with courage and conviction. Never lose sight of what you want most in life. Chase your dreams and accomplish things nobody ever thought that you could. "Your future is as bright as your faith." -Thomas S. Monson

am i worth refining?

This past week I had the opportunity to attend BYU Women's Conference with some members in my extended family. The day started in the Marriott Center with Sister Linda K Burton, General Relief Society President of the Church, where she addressed the thousands of women who were there to be inspired, uplifted, and spiritually fed. The rest of the day was filled with messages from individuals like Jenny Oaks Baker, Hilary Weeks, John Bytheway and countless other motivating speakers (I felt like I was walking around with celebrities - needless to say I was one very happy girl).

After being introduced to the theme of the conference, "One In Charity", my mom and I ran (literally) to the BYU Bookstore, the most important building we'd be in all day (*please note sarcasm*), so that we could stock up on the two things that would sustain us for the next few hours: peanut m&m's and chocolate covered cinnamon bears.

With our goodies in hand, we sat down in the Smith Fieldhouse and patiently waited for the speakers to come through. Even though I've never met him personally, Brad Wilcox is one of my all time favorite people that currently live on this planet (he wrote my favorite book, "The Continuous Atonement", which has it's own blog post that you can read by clicking here). It's been a dream of mine for the past little while to hear him speak (my next dream is to shake his hand), and on Thursday, that dream came true.

me and my beautiful momma

He shared of a time when he felt as though he wasn't deserving of God's love; he assumed that those around him were more entitled than he was to receive the blessings that come from our loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He explained that he was living through the motions of going to Church, reading his scriptures, and saying his prayers, yet he felt like God just wasn't there. Then he said something that I could easily relate to: "I felt like God already knew the outcome of my life, and I assumed that the outcome would be that I wouldn't make it. So why would God put me through a refiner's fire if I weren't worth refining?"

Let me say that last part again, "Why would God put me through a refiner's fire if I weren't worth refining?"

The question made me think. A lot. My mind went back to a time when I had similar feelings coursing through my brain. I'd often wonder if going through the trials and struggles that I was going through (and would inevitably go through in the future years to come) would be worth it if God already knew that I wasn't going to make it anyways. Why should I spend time learning and progressing when it might not actually be worth it?

my mom, me and three of my aunts

And then Brad answered the question: "He loves us because he has to. He loves us because He is bound to."

In his book, "The Continuous Atonement", Brad recounts this experience in Chapter Seven, "Who Made God the Enemy?" He explains it beautifully: "Some may not find much comfort in that thought (that God is bound to love us), but for me it was a realization that brought tremendous relief, peace, and security. God is bound to love me. It is his nature to love perfectly and infinitely. He is bound to love me - not because I am good, but because He is good... No matter how deficient and beyond recovery I thought I was, God was bound to love me. No matter how many balls I had juggled and let fall, no matter how much weight I had gained, how much lack of self - control I demonstrated, and how many regrets I carried from the past, He was bound to love me. No matter what my future might turn out to be, He is bound to love me."

Elder Jefferey R. Holland wrote in his book, "Trusting Jesus", "Just because God is God, just because Christ is Christ, they cannot do other than care for us and bless us and help us if we will but come unto them, approaching their throne of grace in meekness and lowliness of heart. They can't help but bless us. They have to. It is their nature."

The Lord has confidence in us. He has confidence in me, which means that He has confidence in you. You wouldn't be here, on this earth, if God didn't think that you weren't worth refining. Our loving brother, Jesus Christ, wouldn't suffer for the pains and afflictions of this world if we weren't worth it. I believe there is a reason we go through the things that we do. I know that my past experiences have led me to become the person that I am today and that the only way I can keep growing and gaining knowledge is if I continue to go through the refiner's fire that will eventually lead me to perfection in the next life to come.

I know that, at times, life can seem difficult. Sometimes it may even seem impossible. The struggles and trials that we face on a daily basis can make it seem like the easiest option would be to simply give up. However, I promise that if you will put your faith and trust in and with the Lord, your weaknesses can and will become your strengths, bad days will come to an end, and you will feel the love that our Savior and Heavenly Father have for you.

If we do our part, and let the Savior do His, countless blessings and an abundance of joy will surely come our way.

"In the end, everything will be alright. And if everything isn't alright, then it's not the end."

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"The refiner's fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God."

-Quentin L. Cook 

("The Songs They Could Not Sing" October General Conference 2011)

it's never too early

I recently had a close friend of mine get married to the love of her life. The wedding festivities came far quicker than I had anticipated - weren't we those mischievous beehives giggling at girls camp just yesterday?! I remember talking and dreaming about one of us marrying a handsome man one day. I just don't think I realized how close that "one day" really actually was.

The night prior to them being sealed together for time and all eternity was their dinner. My friend and I arrived and sat down amongst the bride-to-be and her groom's closest friends and family. I looked around at all of the happy smiles and joyous laughs; everyone introducing themselves and sharing their favorite memory of the special couple. I turned to my friend and said, "I can't believe she's getting married!" (I think it was finally sinking in).

Later on in the evening, the mother got up and shared a sweet memory she had of her daughter, going back to a time when she was just a small child. The setting took place on the grounds of an LDS temple where the young girl exclaimed to her mother: "Mommy, someday I want to be married here just like you and daddy."

Those simple words brought a smile to my face and admittedly a few tears to my eyes. I thought of this now grown woman and how she had known from so early on that she wanted to go inside the temple someday. I'm sure that, at the time this sweet story was taking place, she wasn't aware of all of the covenants and promises that she would one day make inside of this beautiful building. However, she knew it was special and important and lived her life in such a way that would allow her to one day enter inside its doors. And yesterday, she did!

Marrying in the temple has always been a top priority and goal in my life. However, its sat on the back burner as I've focused primarily on school, work, and other hobbies. Now, please don't take this the wrong way - it's definitely always been important! It just hasn't been my main focus as I haven't yet felt the need to necessarily prepare for it. But listening to this mother share such simple, yet profound advice changed my perspective, and no longer is preparing to be married in the temple sitting, just waiting for the "right moment". Because you see: There is no "right moment" to begin preparing to enter the temple. If there has to be a right moment, it's right now.

Harold B. Lee said, "Youth should begin today to so order their lives that they will be found worthy at the proper time to go to the House of the Lord and be uplifted and sanctified by the temple ceremony." (Young Women Manual 2: Lesson 15)

Being part of this very special day with this special friend of mine has helped me to realize that it's never too early to prepare for an eternal marriage. We would all do well to follow in her footsteps by ensuring that we are always worthy to go inside of the temple - whether that's for baptisms for the dead, receiving our endowments, or being sealed to an eternal companion.

And the opposite is just as true - it's never too late to prepare, either. Through the Atonement, we can change and become the individuals we were divinely designed to be. The blessings of the temple are readily available to all those that will willingly receive them. Even if going to the temple may not be an option right now, we can always keep the temple in our sights. Simply having a goal to one day attend the temple can help change our desires and actions and help bring us closer to our Heavenly Father (check this post out).

I am incredibly thankful for a loving Heavenly Father. I know that through the atoning sacrifice of our brother, Jesus Christ, we can obtain all of the blessings He so longs to give us. I love the peace that the temple brings into my life and look forward to one day making the sacred covenants and ordinances necessary to obtain pure joy and happiness in the next life to come.

putting the Lord first

A big portion of my "adult life" has been spent wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. I've found it difficult to make decisions that I'm faced with and even continue wondering and second guessing myself after I've come to a conclusion. It seems as if the one path that initially felt "right", no longer is and that the one way I want to go, isn't where I should be going (this has proven to be quite frustrating).

I came across this scripture during my studying the other night - at the time it didn't seem like an answer to any of my worries or concerns, yet I found that my mind kept wandering back to these two verses over the next few days:

Alma 37
36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.
37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when you risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I was sitting at my small, messy desk at work, munching on cheez its, while I read through the most recent post by Al Fox ("9 Ways To Get More Out of General Conference"). I continued clicking through her blog and eventually the post, "I'll Never Get Married", came up. Even though I had read this entry several times before, I felt the nagging feeling that I should read it again. So I did.

I came across this sentence: "I learned that if I continued to put God first, everything else would fall into place." My mind instantly went back to what I had studied in my scriptures the night before and it was then that I realized I hadn't been doing a great job at putting the Lord first.

There have been many times where I've hopelessly and helplessly cried out in anger as to what the Lord wants me to do. Questions fill my mind every single day: Am I studying the right thing? Should I be dating more? Should I serve a mission? And it drives me completely and totally batty. Each of these questions has caused me to wonder if I'm even doing the right thing (it's a daily battle). I've often doubted if the path I'm currently traveling is the right one or if I should stop and turn around ASAP to try one of the other many roads.

I've noticed that as the ups and downs of life have seemed to come and go quite frequently, so do the things that matter the most. My scripture study and prayer habits are usually most effective and consistent when I'm coasting through life with a happy smile. However, as soon as a string of doubt weaves it's way into my life, all of the things that keep me afloat become almost non - existent: Scripture study dwindles. Prayers become less sincere. My temple attendance goes down the drain. And as a result, life gets harder. Smiles turn to frowns. And the bad days seem to outnumber the good (shocker, right?!). The funny thing is, I  can't ever seem to figure out why I'm so unhappy!

Now, you're probably thinking: Well it's no wonder you aren't happy! You aren't doing all of the little things that give life purpose and meaning! And I will willingly tell you that you are absolutely and positively 100% right. After going through this pattern multiple times, one would think I'd learn my lesson. However, I've come to find that it usually takes several failed attempts to ingrain something into my brain (I can only imagine how frustrating this must be to the Lord as He's trying to teach me valuable lessons).

Eventually I realize that my life is lacking in the spiritual department and I'll pull out my scriptures, blow off the thin layer of dust that has accumulated, and scold myself for being so prideful as to think that I could get through a challenge without the guidance of the Gospel. And almost always, an abundance of peace will find its way back into my life.

I know that the Lord does not leave us. He will never leave us, even in the moments where we feel as though we've been abandoned and are left to fend for ourselves. I am absolutely sure our questions could be answered simply and that our pains and afflictions could be easily taken from before us, yet that isn't the purpose of this life. One of the most beautiful things about our loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ is that they allow us to learn and grow through what we will so inevitably have to face and experience in this life. I promise that if you will put the Lord first, you will receive guidance and council to your questions and the struggles of life will become more easily bearable.

I know that the Lord listens to each of our prayers. Our cares, concerns, and worries become His cares, concerns, and worries. I've found that most of the answers to my prayers come in ways I never would have expected them to - much of my life has been down a path I hadn't originally intended to travel down. And even though trials, struggles, and frustrations still easily work their way into my life, I know that if I put my trust in the Lord, all will work out.

I hope that as we continue through this beautiful journey, we will remember to put the Lord first, always.

the ledge

My family goes to St. George every summer and each visit is typically the same as the last: swim in the hotel pool, watch a performance at the Tuacahn Theater, and hike around the red rocks. One year, a neighboring family came along and guaranteed that there were far more entertaining things to do besides our usual, mundane festivities. We excitedly anticipated the trip and wondered what could possibly be in store now that we were in the hands of far more experienced “St. George – goers”. One of the activities we were promised was the exhilarating adventure of experiencing an underground cave. I listened intently as the family excitedly spoke of the magical cave at the end of the tunnel we would be hiking through. Upon arriving at the small opening in the ground, I peered over the sandy edge. My eyes widened with excitement and a smile spread across my face. How cool is this?! I thought.

I jumped off of the small ledge and began my decent, deep into the cave. The warmth of the sun slowly began to dim as we continued further. To ensure my safety, I gripped on to any rock or crevice that I could as I inched along the sandy path. There were often large ledges that required us to jump and steep drop offs that made it nearly impossible to stand upright on our feet. Sharp rocks and edges poked out from the walls, resulting in little scratches on my arms and legs.My stomach started to form small, jumbled knots. I wondered if venturing deeper and deeper into the earth would prove to be worth it. Eventually, a little voice asked the question that I didn’t dare: “Are we almost there?” A deeper, more mature voice answered by saying, “Almost! It will be amazing, I promise!” The further we went, the darker it became. Yet, I pressed onward, eager to see the miraculous end.

After what seemed like an eternity, the end was finally in sight. I quickly climbed up and over the last large rock and looked around. I was surrounded by darkness. I blinked a few times, straining my eyes to see the miraculous cave I was earlier promised. This can’t possibly be the end. I turned around in circles, looking at the bland, grey rocks of the cave. It was anything but incredible or awesome. A few moments had passed and we decided to travel back up the path. I turned around and peered up at the first ledge I would have to get onto. Nervous butterflies fluttered around in my stomach as I tried to gulp down the lump that had formed in my throat. I watched as everyone ahead of me seemed to effortlessly climb up onto the ledge as they received help from those around them. I approached the ledge, reached up, and grabbed the sandy rock. I attempted to pull my body up but didn’t have the strength.

I loosened my grip and took a step back, putting my hands on my hips. My body flooded with worry and tears started to sting my eyes. I was now further behind the rest of the group and couldn’t pull myself up onto the ledge. I wondered how it could be so easy to get so deep, yet so hard to get back out.

Just as the first tear started to spill from my eye, I felt a strong arm grip my shoulder. I peered around and saw the gentle face of my father. He smiled as he knelt down, giving me his knee to boost me up. A wave of relief flooded over me. I approached the ledge and stepped onto my dad’s knee. I began to lose my balance and the panic instantly welled up inside my chest. Before jumping off, I felt two arms grab my waist. I looked behind; it was my mother. I took a deep breath and mustered the strength to pull myself up with the guidance of my two parents. A moment later I found myself peering down at my mom and dad, as I sat atop the ledge. The tears started to freely fall as I realized that I wouldn’t be able to get out of this cave alone, but that I could with help.

I’ve gone back to this experience numerous times throughout my life. I remember a time in particular where I was struggling with some of the decisions I was making and was well aware of the dark path that I so aimlessly and easily wandered down. It seemed as if the things of the world were far more enticing than keeping the commandments or simply reading my scriptures and saying my prayers were. 

Much like the sunlight slowly dimming as I ventured deeper into the cave, the light of the Gospel gradually subsided in my life. I didn't know what was at the end of the path I had chosen, but the voices of the world suggested it was "amazing" "astounding" and "incredible". However, traveling further proved otherwise. The enthusiasm for something new and exciting was quickly replaced with worry and doubt as I questioned my decision to travel the way that I was. Yet despite these negative feelings, I pressed forward. 

Eventually I realized that this path gave me little happiness. The grandeur that I assumed would fill my life proved to be disappointing. No longer wanting to be in this dark-filled cave, I began my climb back out, and it didn't take long for me to come to the realization that this would be much more difficult to get out of than it was to get in. I approached my first "ledge" and struggled to get up and over it. I took a step back and looked at all that I had to do in order to get back to where I knew true happiness lied. The thought quickly became overwhelming and doubt began to fill my mind.

You've come too far now, you might as well just stay where you're at.

There's so much that you have to do - it will take forever for you to get out.

In the moments filled with doubt and fear, I found myself falling to my knees and bowing my head, reaching out to my Father in Heaven for the first time in what felt like forever. Crying out in desperation, I felt a warm peace come over me, almost as if a strong arm had gripped my shoulder, assuring me that all would be okay. No longer did the journey back seem impossible. 

This time, I approached the first ledge with much more valor and strength, knowing that I wasn't alone. 

Eventually I was able to make it out of the sandy cave. Each ledge had it's own difficulties and I seemed to struggle with doubt as I approached each one, but before the seed of worry could grow any larger, the hands of my parents appeared to help guide me up and over. The closer I got to the opening of the cave, the more I could feel the warm sunlight on my skin. Hope filled my body as I realized that I was almost to the opening of the cave. A wave of relief washed over me as soon as I found myself standing, peering over the sandy edge and down into the dark cave. Cuts and bruises stung my arms and legs, yet the happiness I felt from enduring the struggle of getting out made all pain disappear. 

Getting out of my "spiritual" cave proved to be similar to pulling myself out of this sandy cave in St. George. Each "ledge" I found myself approaching had it's own difficulties and struggles, yet there was always a knee to step onto or a hand to hold. Any moments filled with fear or worry were quickly replaced with the warm peace of a gentle hand on my shoulder. Eventually a light of hope began to find it's way into my life again, causing me to continue pushing forwards. Eventually I found myself back on a path filled with happiness, able to peer down at my trials. The "cuts" and "bruises" that were now a part of me became a reminder of the struggles and difficulties that were necessary to overcome in order to be back where I now was.

As I look back on the trials that I've gone through during my time on this earth, I can't help but be filled with so much gratitude. I believe that we often feel alone when we venture off the straight and narrow - it becomes easy to believe that the Lord is no longer with us when we aren't doing what we know we ought to. However, I know that the Lord is always with us. Because of our Agency, we have the power to choose whether we will accept His help or not, and the moment that we decide to take His hand, I know that He will be there, ready to lend His knee or a helping hand.

think pretty thoughts

I was roaming around Walmart, trying as hard as I could to fill my shopping cart with healthy food and essentials. However, the "you're-a-stressed-out-and-poor-college-student" cap came on and my cart was instead piled with the comfort food staples: mac and cheese, dill pickle chips, and mint brownie ice cream. Upon realizing that this shopping trip had strayed so far from it's original intent, I decided to continue wandering around the store.

After strolling idly down the sock aisle attempting to find more mismatched pairs to add to my collection and stopping to feed my addiction to scented candles, I found myself in the 'Home Office' section. I glanced at all of the fun new gadgets and decadent pens and walked by the journals. My eye caught the attention of one in particular. On it, in gold cursive lettering, were the words: "Think Pretty Thoughts". I picked up the journal and thumbed through its pages. After concluding that this journal would most likely go to waste, I put it back on the shelf and continued down the aisle.

It didn't take much to convince myself that I needed this little book in my life and that I could somehow find good use for it, so I circled back around and snatched up the last journal before anybody else could.

Just as I had originally suspected, this little journal sat, neglected, in my car for quite some time. Occasionally I would pick it up and wonder what I could fill its pages with. Thoughts and ideas would formulate, but nothing excited me enough to actually begin writing.

Until I found myself having a bad day. A really bad day.

It was one of those bad days where not even chocolate and good 80's music could lift my spirits. I huffed and puffed while I drove to work and determined that this would be the worst. day. ever. I began listing off all of the reasons why my life was boring, unpleasant, or unfair. I thought about all of the negative things that had happened and found myself wishfully wanting for what others seemed to so easily attain.

I sat down in my cubicle, unzipped my bag, and started unloading the pounds of textbooks. I peered into the dark abyss that is my backpack and noticed the journal I had bought a week previously. I reached in and took it out, looking at it's cover.

Think Pretty Thoughts

I opened up the journal, took out a pen, and wrote: I'm thankful...

I paused. What am I thankful for? I sat back in my chair and glanced down at the blank page. I sourly thought: I'm not thankful for anything today, because today is just awful. The journal sat open at my desk for the rest of the day. Eventually I forced myself to write a sentence down.

"I'm thankful for my job."

I looked down at the five words and thought: Come on. You can do better than that.

By the end of the work day I had written three pages worth. Things like, "I'm thankful for the opportunity I have to receive an education" or "I'm thankful for whoever thought to put peanut butter and chocolate together" filled up the pages. I chuckled to myself as I realized that just a few hours previous I had complained that nothing good was going to happen that day.

This little journal proved that I couldn't have been more wrong. I suddenly became much more aware of all that the Lord has so graciously and generously blessed me with. No longer was I counting the things going wrong, but I was counting the things going right.

And it made such a difference.

Writing in this journal became a daily habit.. As soon as I got to work I'd open it up and begin listing out the things that I was already thankful for that day. I noticed that the time I used to spend wishfully wanting and griping for the things that I didn't have was replaced with scouting for all of the things that I could write down in my journal.

As I look back on the past few months that have been documented in this journal, I've noticed that life has become so much happier. That's not to say that the bad days have stopped coming, because they definitely do. I still binge watch Netflix and splurge on JCW's shakes while I rock out in my mom van attempting to cheer myself up. But the days are much easier to get through when I find myself in search of the good.

the time i almost went to jail

We all remember my dirty, white creeper van, right? The one that I have the marvelous privilege of driving around in during my “prime years”? Yeah, that one. Oh, the boys I’ve gotten attention from driving around in this thing!!

Before I go into detail of this rather embarrassing event, I’d like to preface by saying that I am a great driver. I’m also extremely sarcastic and terribly bad at lying.

As mentioned in my “vanbuddies” post, I have a great many driving sins and transgressions. The number of parking citations, speeding tickets, and accidents will not be disclosed at this time. However, you are safe in assuming that I’ve had so many of them that it’s caused the amount of points on my license to sky rocket. It was only a matter of time before I would get my license revoked.

The letter came before I was ready. I opened the sealed envelope and read what was staring back at me: “Due to the amount of points on your Utah Driver’s License, you will need to meet with a member of the court to discuss further action regarding your driving privileges.”

I nervously walked into the DMV on my day of reckoning, silently praying that my license wouldn’t be revoked.

The outcome of the visit: I would be on probation for an entire year. Any citations or tickets would result in suspension for a time period of 30 days.

I walked out of the building, determined to never speed again in my entire life.

That determination was very short lived. I hadn’t even made it ¼ of the way through my probation before I was rolling down my window to face the less than pleasant cop.

By now it was practically routine: Get the registration paper out of the glove box. Hand him your license. Apologize for being stupid. And wait.

Part of me nervously anticipated what he would find when he punched my name into his little computer. The possibility of having to forfeit my license and vehicle right there on the freeway became utterly terrifying. Fortunately I was able to continue my drive back home without the police officer possessing the knowledge of my probation.

I began wishfully thinking that somehow the DMV wasn’t notified of my most recent offense. However, those hopes were dashed when I received the letter in the mail; this time calling me to actual court.

The day of my appearance came far too quickly. I walked into the court house and sat down in the back. Never having been in this situation before, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. The people ahead of me were being charged with fines of upwards of thousands of dollars along with receiving jail sentences.

I felt the color drain from my face as my heart began to pound. I nervously rubbed my sweaty palms on my pants as I anticipated the moment they would call out my name.

While trying my hardest to appear confident, my mind was racing: What if I go to jail? I can’t go to jail! I have school… and a job! How will I get a job after going to jail!? Would I even survive in jail? Would they put me with criminals?? Will I have to wear an orange jumpsuit every day?! What about my apartment? Someone will have to move all of my stuff out!

Then, I began to try and see the bright side of going to jail at the young age of twenty: I guess this will help you finally learn your lesson.

You won’t have to buy food or pay for rent for three months!

 By the time you’re out, your missionary friends will be 90 days closer to being home!

The negatives greatly outweighed the positives.

My thoughts were disturbed when I heard them call out, “Cambri Hill”. Here goes nothin.

I walked up to the podium. Smile. Maybe he’ll think you’re a really sweet girl and that you shouldn’t go to jail. I smiled weakly as I squeaked out a shaky, “Hello”.

The judge read what was on my ticket and glanced up at me as he asked, “How do you plead?”

Oh my gosh. I have to plead?! This is the type of stuff you watch in movies!!.

“Guilty.”

Here it comes. Jail. 90 days. I’m ready.

I left with a fine and suspended license. Hopping into my car, I let out an exasperated sigh as I looked up at the nasty grey roof of my van. Thank you!!!!!

Side note: as a result of my stubbornness, my parents were unaware that any of this was happening. And because of that fact, I was forced to drive around in my minivan illegally.

It didn’t take long before the flashing blue and red lights appeared in my rear view window. My fist pounded the steering wheel before I began the search to find my license. I wasn’t even speeding!

One would say I have terrible luck. And I would agree.

I rolled down the window and plastered on the nicest smile I could. “Hi, officer. Was I speeding?”

“No. Your registration is expired. Were you aware of that?”

No. No I wasn’t.

Miracle of miracles, I was set free, without him even looking at my license – er, revoked license.

I immediately began the process to getting it registered. I could not get pulled over again.

Just as luck would have it, the process to getting my lovely van registered took far too long, and this time, the cop discovered my secret. I informed my dad of the ticket I had received, assuming I would just take care of the fines myself. However, he was determined to pay. I immediately regretted telling him I had ever received the ticket – I knew that if he dug enough, he would come to find that I was driving with a revoked license.

So I did what any smart, sophisticated individual would do: hide. Everything.

Each time I went home, I knew I would be asked if I had called on my ticket; “Oh. I forgot. I’ll do that tomorrow.” He would periodically ask, “Where’s your ticket?” And I would respond, “I left it at my apartment.”

Finally, my dad’s patience had run out and he resorted to calling on the ticket himself. And it just so happened, the day of my now second court appearance, was when he decided to call.

I left my class at UVU and shamefully drove to the American Fork Judicial Court building. I parked my car and slumped my shoulders as I walked inside, took off everything metal, and stepped through the security system – if only I was at the airport instead, getting on a one-way flight to Hawaii.

I walked into the court room, and again, sat as close as I could to the back, watching as numerous people bustled in. My mind began to wander; what if this is the time I actually go to jail? So I pulled out my phone and went to the one place where all of life’s questions are addressed: Google.

I clicked on the first link that popped up: Yahoo! Answers. The girl explained her situation (much similar to mine) and asked if she would be going to jail.

Every. Single. Answer confirmed her worst fear (and mine).

Upon realizing that Google would provide no relief, I looked up to see a tall, skinny brunette frantically run inside. She had on dirty sneakers, yoga pants, and an oversized sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back from her make-up free face. Ha. I thought. That looks like my…

Mom?!!

My eyes widened. What is she doing here?! I was caught. I cocked my head to the side, attempting to hide my presence as I slowly sunk as deep as I could into the bench. Maybe she won’t notice?

My phone lit up with a text that read: Where are you? Dad called on your ticket. You have an appearance in court right now!

Both realizing and accepting that I would not be able to somehow magically melt away, I responded: Look to your left.

Our eyes met. “What are you doing here?!” She mouthed.

Moments after confessing to my mother, my name was called. I squared my shoulders and straightened my shirt as I struggled to confidently walk up to the podium. The two note-takers looked up at the judge and said, “Oh. Miss Hill will be late. Her father called in and said she was at school.”

The judge looked at me through her glasses and said, “Does your Father know you aren’t in school?”

After receiving the appropriate consequence of my actions, I left the court room, my mother in tow. I expected a good scolding and a “you need to be more careful” talk on the way out of the court room. I prepared my eyes to start rolling and my breath to start sighing.

She laughed. “Thanks for a tour of the Judicial Court House! I should have taken a picture of you up there!”

What!?

***

There are three conclusions that have risen from this oh-so-embarrassing story of mine:

Number one: Be good to your Mom. One day she may be running into a court room after being at the gym to explain why you’re missing (even if you really aren’t).

Number two: This would make for a great story, someday.

I didn’t realize that “someday” would be so soon after. The wound of embarrassment is still fresh as ever. But upon realizing that my mother’s newest goal was to share this humorous adventure with any and every soul that she could, I found it best to expose it now.

It’ll be good for posterity. Right?

And number three: Have I learned my lesson?

I guess we’ll find out.

something to be

It's that time again - where everybody starts setting goals for the next year. 2015 has come and gone and now it's time to bring on 2016. It always amazes me how fast the years pass by, and although I'm welcoming the new year with open arms, I'm very much grateful for the lessons learned, experiences and opportunities gained, and the struggles that 2015 brought into my life.

Normally I sit down at my computer and think about all of the different things that I'd like to accomplish in the upcoming year. Things like: Read scriptures for 30 minutes a day. Go to the temple more. Get skinny. Be happier. Talk to more people. Try harder in school. Save $$$.

While each of these are great goals, I've found that simply setting them without a major game plan doesn't work for me. I don't even make it to Valentine's day before I'm waving off my goals until next year (kudos to you if you do) - which makes for looking back on the year not so enjoyable (at least for me).

So this year I decided I wanted to take a different approach. Rather than set 10+ goals that were almost a guarantee not to happen, I was going to set one, single goal. A goal that I could focus all my time and energy on. A goal that would be much more attainable than numerous little wishes and wants. I started thinking about what I wanted my one goal to be for 2016. I knew that I wanted to be able to be successful at accomplishing it.

I thought back on this past year and asked myself: what is the biggest thing you wish you could change?

Then I started listing off all of the negative things I didn't like about myself or what I wish I was or could be. I quickly realized that this was a common theme from 2015 - that a majority of my thoughts had been generally negative. I found that it was incredibly easy to point out the bad and the ugly before I even began to try and find the blessings.

One thing the Lord likes to remind me of is that my plan is not His. His way is best. And His way is also what will happen. I just have to trust Him. Oh, and have crazy patience....

As I look back on 2015 I realize how much I sat by wishfully dreaming and thinking. I wondered what it would be like if I were doing one thing rather than what I was currently doing. A good portion of my time was spent complaining about current circumstances rather than being grateful for all that I had.

Generally speaking, I'm a pretty positive person. But as the year continued to drag on, I found it much easier to be negative. But being negative got me no where. It didn't make me happier. Didn't make me feel better. In fact it was quite the opposite.

As I contemplated the year, I realized my biggest regret of 2015 was that I sat by wishing for all of the things that I didn't have rather than being grateful for the things that I did have. And then I knew what I wanted my goal for 2016 to:

Buddha said: "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become."

I believe that our thoughts influence how we perceive life. There have been a lot of times where I've thought that nothing good was happening to me and that I was merely existing. But all around me good things were happening (or had the potential to). There was experience and knowledge to be gained. Opportunities to seize. Blessings to be noticed. Moments of time and love to be shared. And so much more.

I was laying in my bed after a long, exhausting day and told myself that I just wanted to be happy. Or, I guess happiER. I realized that a majority of my happiness is based off of my thoughts and how I react to what happens to and around me.

This year, I want to be positive. I want to count more of my blessings. Smile a little brighter. And walk a little taller so that I can be a little happier. Which will probably mean a lot of 30 second dance parties, midnight drives to the Payson temple, and random Roxberry runs.  

So here's to a new year! A year full of endless possibilities. A year full of new opportunities and experiences. A new year for learning and growing. A year to change. And another year full of memories. 

I wish you and yours the very best 2016 imaginable.

the mall kiosk

If you've ever successfully escaped one of the mall kiosk associates... you're definitely one of a kind. And you NEED to share your tactics with me.

A few months ago I was walking through the mall, stopping occasionally to browse over the stores merchandise. Upon hitting the personal spending limit I set for myself before entering the mall, I began the trek back to my car... er, van.

I began glancing at the small kiosk's that spotted the interior of the mall. Some were selling green tea or splat balls. Others had curling irons and protein powders. And I had somehow managed to dodge every single one of them! A feeling of pride began to well up in my chest.

Until... she spotted me.

The facial cream, moisturizing, skin exfoliating mall kiosk employee.

Our eyes met for a brief second and a pang of worry resonated inside of me. Please don't stop me. Please don't stop me.

"Hi! Do you have a moment to try out our new product?"

It seemed as though she recognized my look of unsurety. She walked over to me and slipped her arm through mine as she guided me back to the stool placed underneath the green kiosk umbrella.

"Um. Sure." I barely mustered out.

She began opening bottles and pouring creams and jellies onto my arm. While "waiting" for the product to take effect, she said "I just moved here from Jerusalem yesterday. Utah is so nice!" I plastered a smile on my face and nodded my head.

After what seemed like an eternity of unwanted small talk, she looked down at my arm and gasped at the changes her magical scrub and cream had done. I realized she wasn't going to stop talking about it until I agreed with her.

She began boxing up a set of the products and walked over to her cash register. "Do you know how much this is?" I shook my head and began to protest that I really didn't want to spend any more money. "You're a student, aren't you?? I'll knock it down $100!"

Wow. $100? Can they even take that much off?

I shook the thought out of my head and again opened my mouth to explain to her that I truly did not want the product.

"I'll throw in free soap!"

Free soap, too?!

And then all of the sudden, I found myself handing her my debit card. My knuckles turned white from gripping so hard on the new bag of moisturizers I had just acquired as I watched her swipe the card.

Well. There goes the weekly b-dubs dinner for the next two weeks. And that book I was going to order online. Oh, and there goes my food.

I immediately began plotting to return each of the products at another time. Can you even return items to mall kiosks? But rather than risk being caught returning her beloved items, I began going through what I had bought previous to being taken captive by the nice Jerusalem lady.

"Want to go grab coffee?" I looked up at the lady and tried to kindly explain I didn't drink coffee. "Oh. Well, lunch?" I looked down at my phone and told her I had somewhere to be (I needed to make my escape!) "Ok! I will write down my email and phone number and you can tell me how much you like my product!"

I patiently waited for her to write down her information. I looked around at the countless people scurrying in and out of stores as they dodged the kiosks. The lucky souls.

It was almost as if the hundreds of passerby's were expressing their gratitude to me, for taking one for the team. I sat there, slumped in the cheap stool, thinking about my now drained bank account.

I had entered enemy territory and lost the battle.

After awkwardly taking the paper from her hands and attempting to escape an unwanted hug, I slowly walked away, feeling down, discouraged, and defeated.

I put my new items onto the bathroom counter and neglected them for what seemed like weeks. She promised the product would last a year and suddenly I realized it was only because I wasn't actually going to use them - they even had the potential to last multiple years.

One day I decided to try them out. I opened each of the bottles and racked my brain to remember exactly which order to use them. I sat down at my computer and searched for some instruction.

My research shed some rather unfortunate light: I bought water and salt.

I really need to learn how to say no.



[Enjoy this video done by Studio C. They know my pain.]

afraid to wear a t - shirt

I have this shirt. It's red. And it says "PORN KILLS LOVE" in large white lettering.

I have other shirts from this same organization; a black one that says, "Become a fighter, change begins with one" and a blue one that says, "Don't fill your head with lies". I've worn these two shirts on multiple occasions and always get some questions as to the meaning behind them. I've even gotten random strangers telling me how great it is that I'm repping the movement of Fight the New Drug.

But for some odd reason, wearing the well - known red "Porn Kills Love" t - shirt has proven to be quite difficult.

You see... the blue and black shirts tend to blend in easier with the crowd - I can walk around wearing either of them and at first glance it just looks like one of my old high school t - shirts.

But everybody knows about the "Porn Kills Love" shirt - you don't even have to read it to already know what it says.

Don't get me wrong... I love the shirt! It's probably in the top 5 of my most favorite t - shirts (yes... I do rank my clothing in order of favorite to least favorite)! I wear it to bed all the time; but when the laundry hasn't been done and my supply of shirts to wear to the gym is running low... my red "porn kills love" t - shirt isn't even considered. When it's time to go to band practice? Anything BUT the red shirt. And Saturday morning math class where looking like a slob is totally acceptable because of the inhumane hour that it's being held? The shirt is not so lovingly tossed aside and I'm forced to sift through dirty clothes in order to find something to wear.

Why?

I've never been one to really care much about what people think of me. The confidence that I have in myself, my standards, and values are much greater than any comment or thought that someone could think or say to me.

But, simply put: I was afraid to stick out. I was afraid of being noticed; wearing this shirt brought me out of my "Cambri comfort zone". Every time I put it on in the morning, the thoughts of what people might think of me if they saw me wearing it would wander through my head...

Why is she wearing that?

What is she thinking making a statement like that?

Does she really believe that?

I first came across "Fight the New Drug" earlier in 2015. Immediately I was intrigued by what I was reading. Pornography is like a drug? Wow! How? And I kept reading all that the website had to offer. How have I never heard all this stuff? As I continued navigating around this website, I found all of the many great things that this company was doing for the countless people with loved ones struggling with pornography as well as those who struggle themselves. Reading the real - life stories from people who knew all too well about the harmful effects of pornography became something I did during my free time. It amazed me to see all of the kind words that people who didn't even know each other shared with those who were struggling.

After supporting this organization for numerous months, I decided it was time to buy one of their many t - shirts. I knew that the "Porn Kills Love" shirt was the most popular of all, but didn't think I was ready to make such a bold statement - so I bought my two other Fight the New Drug shirts instead.

However, every time I went back to the website, I found myself wanting to buy the shirt.

So one day I did! And a few days later my t - shirt showed up in the mail. My heart started to beat a little faster as I opened the clear packaging. I was excited, but also nervous. I fully support and love what this organization does for people but was completely nervous to wear this shirt out in public for fear of what others might think.

So the shirt stayed in my dresser drawer for quite some time. I didn't even try it on.

Eventually I forgot about the t - shirt until it showed up in my laundry a few weeks later. I lifted it up and looked at it. I held it there for a moment and cocked my head to one side. Why am I so afraid to wear this shirt?

It took me sitting in my parents laundry room holding up a very neglected t - shirt to realize that this had the adversary written all over it. I scolded my lack of courage and decided I would wear the shirt out in public.

I'm reminded of the popular Mormon Message from our sweet Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson entitled: Dare to Stand Alone (watch it here).

While my itty bitty predicament was not the same as President Monson's, it had its similarities. Watching this simple message often makes me wonder if I would have the courage to stand all alone or if I would back out and go with another group.

While it isn't the exact same, not wearing my red "Porn Kills Love" t - shirt because I was afraid of what others would think of me, answers the question of whether or not I would stand alone or shamefully leave to join another group and their Sunday activities.

Now, I understand that this is just a t - shirt and that in the grand scheme of things it probably doesn't even matter all that much, but it sure has seemed to cause quite the ruckus. The nervous butterflies that accompanied wearing the shirt outside of my bedroom caused me to wonder if it was actually worth it.

I put it on and looked at myself in the mirror and, for a brief moment, contemplated taking it off. But I didn't. And I wore it all day. I went to the parentals in it. And out in public. I even posted a picture on social media - I was feelin' gutsy.

I quickly realized that wearing this shirt helped me to feel a sense of pride; I was wearing something that showed a portion of my beliefs and I wasn't afraid of it anymore! All of the sudden, sticking out like a sore thumb or wondering what other people were thinking about me wasn't on the forefront of my thoughts. 

As members of the Church, I believe that we are supposed to stick out - but for good reasons, of course. In Peter 2:9 we're referred to as a 'peculiar' people. Even back then they knew we'd be oddballs!

The trick is to realize that being the one sticking out of the "popular crowd" is actually cool!

I've always known that the commandments and guidelines set by our Prophets and other Church leaders are here to help us and keep us safe and protected. I'm a firm believer that God would never have us do anything that would harm us or slow down our progression to our ultimate goal: perfection.

Because of the commandments, principals, guidelines, and suggestions - Mormons are most often the odd man out (unless you live in Utah or Rexburg). If followed correctly, we're meant to stand out. Meant to stick out like a sore thumb. Meant to cause people to question our actions. Meant to make people wonder what we're all about.

"When you keep the commandments and follow the Savior's example, it's like holding up a light. Your good example helps others to find their way in a darkened world." -Ardeth G. Kapp

Now, I know that Fight the New Drug is not directly associated with the LDS church, but it sure does follow and go along with what we believe! It's designed to help people find relief and freedom from something that's holding them captive - no matter how deep in they are. While wearing my red shirt doesn't show my beliefs directly - it does in some small part. It's caused people to ask questions and wonder why I support such a group. I've found that numerous missionary opportunities have come from simply wearing this shirt.

After having seen all of the positive events that occur from wearing a shirt makes me wonder why I ever worried to wear it in the first place!

I've had many challenges and experiences that have helped me to see that being a Mormon is actually the cool thing to do and be. Trifling and dabbling with the things of the world can seem fun - but that fun is only temporary and doesn't even begin to compare to the happiness and blessings that one can obtain from faithfully living the Gospel standards.

Don't be afraid of wearing a t - shirt that represents a small portion of who and what you are. For that matter, don't be afraid of anything that shows what you stand for.

I challenge each and every one of us to follow President Monson's council: "Dare to be a Mormon. Dare to stand alone. Dare to have a purpose firm. Dare to make it known!"

 ***

Check out the Fight the New Drug website! It's really cool!

The LDS Church holds support meetings for those directly and not directly affected by pornography. They follow 12 steps that can help provide relief to those struggling. These steps can be and are a blessing to anybody.